From Reuters.
Firefighters in British Columbia were damping down after
a forest fire when they discovered a body partly buried under fallen branches.
On uncovering the body they found a man dressed in wet suit and flippers.
The body was removed to Vancouver for post mortem examination which revealed
the man had died from massive multiple injuries. He was identified from
dental records and found to have been reported missing whilst on a diving
expedition in Horse Shoe Bay near Vancouver. Further investigation solved
the riddle. It would appear that one minute he was quietly enjoying his
swim, and the next he was in a bucket scoop suspended below a helicopter
then transported 20 miles inland before being dropped from 1500 feet onto
the forest fire.
From Ocean FM.
Divers working to repair oil rigs have to have their
diving suits heated to prevent them getting too cold. Water is sucked
from the sea, heated, then pumped into the diver's suit. The diver is
effectively working in a jacuzzi! One unfortunate diver was working on
the sea bed, when his bum start to itch. Not surprisingly, he scratched
it. Moments later he was in excruciating pain and had to be hauled to
the surface. Apparently a jelly fish had been sucked from the water and
deposited in his suit.
From the Internet.
An Iraqi terrorist (certifiable idiot), Khay Rahnajet,
didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return
to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it
and was killed in the resulting explosion.
And You Thought Your Job Was Bad ... 1
The crew of a US Air Force transport aircraft were preparing
for a routine departure from Thule, Greenland and were waiting for the truck
to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was
very late arriving, and the Airman Basic performing the job was extremely
slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his
lack of speed and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir,
I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am
pumping crap out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish
me?"
And You Thought Your Job Was Bad ... 2
This article was taken from the Darwin Awards, the annual
awards for people who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, killed themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
PADERBORN,
GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated
elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated
the keeper under 200 pounds of poop. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there
to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman
came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one
of those freak accidents that happen sometimes - a billion-to-one shot,
at least."
The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began
on April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound
African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty. "Friedrich
had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe
constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman
recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night
to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered
to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control."
Two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger
found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only
from the knees down. "I had never really thought about it before,"
Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be
a very dangerous activity and not something that should be attempted alone."
Outgoing Answering Machine Messages
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."
"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi! Kathy's answering machine is broken. This is
her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets."
"This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone
I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the
phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back.".
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right
to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
Baby Mop
After
the birth there's always the temptation to say "Yes, it's cute, but
what can it do?" Until recently the answer was simply 'lie there and
cry', but now babies can be put on the payroll, so to speak, as soon as
they're born.
Just
dress your young one in a Baby Mop and set him or her down on any hard wood
or tile floor that needs cleaning. You may at first need to get things started
by calling to the infant from across the room, but pretty soon they'll be
doing it all by themselves.
There's
no child exploitation involved. The kid is doing what it does best anyway,
crawling. But with a Baby Mop, your child is also learning about responsibility
and a healthy work ethic.
40 Reasons "Why It's Great Being Male"
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never gets near your body.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress = £2000; morning suit hire = £100.
If you retain water, it's in a bottle.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice
anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can
still be friends.
Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car journey from the passenger's
seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is
coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your mate for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring
a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five
colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a penknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.
Beginner's Guide to Combat
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Friendly fire isn't.
The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody
else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your
artillery will fall short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The Quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly
fire.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you,
and they miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat
zone it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about
shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed
at different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
Always know when it's time to get out of your vehicle
Always know how to get out of your vehicle.
Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Always honour a threat.
The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the
time you have been carrying it.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection
ready unit has ever passed combat.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness what
mess hall food is to cuisine.
Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater
that the distance you can jump.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended
target. That round will be a dud.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is
full of amateurs.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
Minefields are not neutral.
If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.
Bob!
One day a project leader sent the following letter of recommendation
to his senior manager:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible. Project Leader
An urgent memo was soon sent following the letter:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when
I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7,9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards
Project Leader
Bosnian Vowel Movement
Before an emergency joint session of Congress, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history,
will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and
U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like
Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions
around the world," President Clinton said. "Today, the United
States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the
people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.
The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Alphabet Soup"
by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port
cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 boxes of vowels will fly from Andrews
Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the
arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another
day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none
of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton,
please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just
a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter
to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s
and T’s. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities
of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent,
gun-toting war-lords.
Brickin' it!
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed
in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation
Board. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award for
sure. This is apparently a true story.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
by using a pulley, which was. attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went
down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
of the bricks.
You will note in Section 11 of the accident report
form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep
into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating
pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now
devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck
began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough
to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as
I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again
lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Church Bulletins … 1
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and Medication
to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church
and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of the Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in both the south
and north ends of the Church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Wednesday, the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs Johnson will
sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet
the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg upon the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the Church basement on Sunday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evenings in the Church
Hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Church Bulletins ... 2
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The Best Comeback Line Ever
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are
you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerousactivity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Commentators
'Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England versus San Marino with
Tennent's Pilsner, brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner
taste and England are one down.' - JONATHAN PEARCE
'Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you're 80-20 sure of winning it.' - IAN
DARKE
'Lee Sharpe has got dynamite in his shorts' - STUART HALL
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal' - DAVID COLEMAN
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.' - RADIO
5 LIVE
'Steve Agnew is over this free kick - what do you think of the situation
here, Steve Agnew?' - NEVILLE FOULGER
'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.'
- ALAN GREEN
'Nicky Butt, he's another aptly named player. He joins things, brings one
sentence to an end and starts another.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine
goals.' - TONY GUBBA
'...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his
foot with a piece of string.' - IAN DARKE
'If ever the Greeks needed a Trojan horse, it is now.' - GERALD SINSTADT
'It's as if there's a magnet on the outside of the posts and bar.'
- JOHN HELM
'He's passing the ball like Idi Amin.' - ALAN PARRY
'A peep, peep, peep, another peep, and that's it.' - BARRY DAVIES greets
a final whistle.
'What a debut for the young goalkeeper, as a striker.' - PETER DRURY
'What did you say to Souness after the end of the final whistle?' - TONY
GUBBA
'It was one of the best goals I've seen this millenium.' - TONY GUBBA
'Bruce, on his right foot, is still running...' - ALAN GREEN
'Cantona's expression speaking the whole French dictionary without saying
a word.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Some supporters have come down onto the pitch from over the edge of the
upper tier.' - NEVILLE FOULGER
'The long goal kick, and now, this could fall...' - GERALD 'not Issac Newton'
SINSTADT
'He went through a non-existant gap.' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'Peru score their third, and it's 3-1 to Scotland.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'The Dutch look like a huge jar of marmalade.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Liverpool will be without Kvarme tonight - he's illegible.' - JIMMY ARMFIELD
'The whole season is disappearing and blowing up in their faces.' - MALAYSIAN
TV
'One or two people are streaming away.' - RADIO 5 LIVE COMMENTATOR
'He [Cole] is good in the air as well as off the ground...' - METRO FM
COMMENTATOR
'...he's using his favourite left foot..' - ITV COMMENTATOR
'He's the proverbial brick door.' - COMMENTATOR
'...like a predator about to devour the target.' - ALAN PARRY
'And Rush, quick as a needle...' - RON JONES
'The Danes are probing for position - every one of them somewhere on the
pitch.' - COMMENTATOR
'Poor Graham Shaw. It was there for the asking and he didn't give the answer.'
- PETER JONES
'And Southampton have most assuredly lost their confidence in this second
half.' - MIKE MCGEE
'Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.' - PAT MARSDEN
'And the bald head of John Sillett leaps from the bench.' - STUART LINNELL
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.'
- TOM PERRIE
'Ian Baird is dashing around like a steam roller up front.' - MARTIN TYLER
'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'There are no opportune times for a penalty, and this is not one of those
times.' - JACK YOUNGBLOOD
'30 minutes to go, and it's still 1-0 apiece.' - COMMENTATOR
'This is the first time Denmark has ever reached the World Cup finals,
so this is the most significant moment in Danish history.' - JOHN HELM
'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2
players on.' - JOHN HELM
'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's
his trademark.' - JOHN HELM
'They're floating up on a sea of euphoria, and hoping to drag themselves
clear of the quicksand at the bottom.' - PETER JONES
'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - DEREK RAE
'Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this
cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs team.' - MIKE INGHAM
'The shot from Laws was precise but wide.' - ALAN PARRY
'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.' - ALAN GREEN
'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - IAN DARKE
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer.' - DAVID ACFIELD
'...and then there was Johan Cruyff, who at 35 has added a whole new meaning
to the word Anno Domini.' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of
that final I stand by that prediction.' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'Referee Norlinger is outstanding in the sense that he stands out.' - GEORGE
HAMILTON
'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.'
- MIKE INGHAM
'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- JOHN GREIG
'It's going to take a shoehorn to prise these two teams apart' - ALAN PARRY
'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of
zebras...' - PETER JONES
'...evoking memories, particularly of days gone by.' - MIKE INGHAM
'Bristol Rovers were 4-0 up at half time, with four goals in the first
half.' - TONY ADAMSON
'The Dutch fans look like a huge jar of marmalade' - BARRY DAVIES
'Leeds are enjoying more possession now that they have the ball.' - SIMON
BROTHERTON
'That youngster is playing well beyond his 19 years - that's because he's
21.' - DAVID BEGG
'Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.' - PETER
JONES
'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- BARRY DAVIES
'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.' -
JOHN HELM
'He had a very impressive first debut.' - GLR
'Ferguson hasn't scored since the opening day of the season - he's not
a natural striker.' (five minutes later) 'Ferguson! At last a goal from
him...natural instincts from a former Scottish striker.' - ROB PALMER
'...if that had crossed the line it would have been a goal.' - GARY BLOOM
'That's often the best place to beat a goalkeeper, isn't it, between the
legs?' - CLIVE TYLESDLEY
'Knight saved it with his back arm' - IAN BROWN
'...a tale of too many cooks in the defence.' - IAN BROWN
'The silence is getting louder.' - DAVE WOODS
'A full-blooded encounter for a number of reasons, many of them illegitimate.'
- JOHN CHAMPION
'These Scottish players are very ordinary. In fact they have no names.'-
HAMMED ADIO (ZIMBABWEAN TV)
'It's Denmark 3 Denmark 0...' - IAN BROWN
'He was in the right place at the right time, but he might have been elsewhere
on a different afternoon.' - TONY GUBBA
'The fans, and now most of the crowd, are interested in this event.' -
ANGUS LOUGHRAN
'It had to go in, but it didn't.' - PETER DRURY
'That's lifted the crowd up into the air.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.' - MIKE INGHAM
'Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts.'
- JIMMY MAGEE
'Cleland was the victim of his own downfall.' - ALAN PARRY
'Villa will probably play a lot worse than this and lose.' - ALAN PARRY
'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon
1, Manchester United 1.' - MIKE INGHAM
'That's referee Mike Reed's 50th booking of the season, which works out
at an average of six a game.' - ALAN PARRY
RON ATKINSON : 'Unfortunately it goes right down the goalkeeper's throat...'
JOHN HELM : '...where it hits him on the knees.'
'He had to get down low to save that one on the ground' - BARRY DAVIES
'Rangers are definitely on the back heel now' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'The crowd...a cacophony of colour' - PETER DRURY
'Daei's all alone here, with four Chelsea defenders for company.' - PETER
DRURY
'Victor Hernandez, like an orchestral conductor directing his troops...'
- JON CHAMPION
'That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.' - MURDO MACLEOD
'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can
get an equaliser.' - ALAN GREEN
'To a man, every Czech fan is on his or her feet.' - GARY BLOOM
'In this sort of match, whoever scores the most goals wins' - PORTUGUESE
COMMENTATOR
'Benfica scored one in the first half, Boavista scored one in the second
half, Benfica wasn't able to score anything in the second half, that makes
1-1, so the score is correct.' - PORTUGUESE COMMENTATOR
'Paneira with his unmistakeble style...but no, it's not him' - PORTUGUESE
COMMENTATOR
'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value
for their nil.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Viv Anderson has p****d a fatness test.' - JOHN HELM
'The referee was only five or seven yards away from that incident.' - PETER
DRURY
'The substitutes are all on the bench, and that's where they'll start the
match.' - BARRY DAVIES
'It's deja vu all over again.' - GARY BLOOM
'If there's going to be another goal, it's surely going to be a fourth.'
- ROB PALMER
'When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.'
- GEORGE HAMILTON
'At the beginning it was a 90 minute game, at halftime it was a 45 minute
game and now it's even shorter.' - ABC COMMENTATOR
'Madrid are like a rabbit dazed in the headlights of a car, except this
rabbit has a suit of armour, in the shape of two precious away goals.' -
GEORGE HAMILTON
'He had no chance of beating Schmeichel from there, but it was always worth
a try.' - ALAN PARRY
'From that moment the pendulum went into reverse' - GERALD SINSTADT
'And latecomers to this game, mainly Rangers fans, are surprisingly coming
in late' - CHICK YOUNG
'Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy.' - JIMMY MAGEE
'Anelka was travelling so fast that he couldn't keep his own feet' - CLIVE
TYLDESLEY
'As the seconds tick down, Belgium are literally playing in time that doesn't
exist.' - GUY MOWBRAY
'A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one.'
- PETER DRURY
'I'm sure coach Frank Rijkaard will want the Dutch to go on and score a
fourth now - although obviously they'll have to score the third one first.'
- ANGUS LOUGHRAN
'He's showed him the left leg, then the right. Where's the ball, the defender
asks? It's up his sleeve.' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'And Swansea have an uphill mountain to climb now.' - JOHN HARDY
'There's 30 minutes gone and we're in the first quarter of the game.' -
JON CHAMPION
'He's scored the winning goal three minutes after being sent off' - CANADIAN
COMMENTATOR
'Lampard, as usual, arrived in the nick of time, but it wasn't quite soon
enough.' - ALAN PARRY
'The tall team takes the low road into the lead' - MARTIN TYLER
'As he was running away, the left back brought him down like a rabbit in
full flight' - THIERRY ROLAND
'Without the ball, he is a different player' - PETER BRACKLEY
'Ziege hits it high for Heskey who isn't playing' - ALAN GREEN
'They've maintained their unbeaten record between the legs.' - BARRY DAVIES
'There's always one [FA Cup 3rd round upset] and the egg at the moment
is heading squarely for Charlton's door' - STEVE WILSON
'Here he comes...with his left foot' - RON JONES
'He's working hard, one moment he's on the left, the next moment he's on
the right. At the moment he's in the middle.' - RON JONES
'The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'The eiderdown of this 2-0 lead is a lot more comfortable than the blanket
of 1-0.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'What that situation really needed was little eyebrows.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'The midfield are like a chef, trying to prise open a stubborn oyster to
get at the fleshy meat inside.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'Xavier, who looks just like Zeus, not that I have any idea what Zeus looks
like...' - ALAN GREEN
'Silvestre has had the whites of the goal in his eyes ever since...' -
IAN DARKE
'Alan Smith... very much a striker, by reputation... and by fact' - PETER
DRURY
'They (Bayern Munich) lost in the semi-finals of the Champions League to
Real Madrid last year, and the year before that were beaten in the final
by Manchester United, so their European pedigree is second to none.' - SIMON
BROTHERTON
'There's Ottmar Hitzfeld, the two year old Bayern Munich manager.' - MIKE
HILL
'There's no end to the stoppage of this drama' - ALAN PARRY
'David O'Leary's poker face betrays the emotions' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'The referee has sent the players to their eternal rest' - Italian commentator
George Hamilton: 'Roy Carsley has it.' Jim Beglin: 'Lee Carsley, George.'
George Hamilton: 'Ah yes, perhaps it's because his head reminds me of Ray
Wilkins.'
'We don't really know what Iran are capable of when the gun is put to their
head' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'Shay Given almost single-handedly won the match for Newcastle against
Everton, although obviously he didn't score the goals' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'It's 1-1. That of course means that it's all square at 1-1' - RON
JONES
'We are about as far away from the penalty box as the penalty box
is from us.' - TOM TYRRELL
'And the average age of Arsenal defence is over 100 years' - TVB PEARL,
HONG KONG COMMENTATOR
'One or two of their players aren't getting any younger' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'Saravakos centres for Saravakos...' - MANOLIS MAVROMATIS
'Corner from a good position.' - MANOLIS MAVROMATIS
'And to take the free kick it's Hasheminassab, the team's player' - JUHA
TAIVAINEN
'Newcastle are beating Man U like a rotten rooster...' - JUHA TAIVAINEN
'Repka heads the ball... but he can't, so he gets a leg in between.' -
OSKU LAUKKANEN
'Kanoute is brought down in the penalty area, and the crowd demand a free
kick - they even demand a penalty' - OSKU LAUKKANEN
'And Watford acknowledge the support of the crowd, indeed of the crowd
that supported them' - BARRY DAVIES
'Stockport usually play at Edgeley Park, but this time they've come to
Maine Road, because, um, this is an away game' - OSKU LAUKKANEN
'Chris Waddle is off the field at the moment, exactly the position he is
at his most menacing.' - GERALD SINSTADT
'It's Ipswich 0 Liverpool 2, and if that's the way the score stays then
you've got to fancy Liverpool to win.' - PETER JONES
'Tottenham ice their sublime cake with the ridiculous.' - PETER DRURY
'It's a tough month for Liverpool over the next five or six weeks.' - ALAN
GREEN
'Luckily Macclesfield have three or four supporters running back into the
box to defend' - JOHN MURRAY
'Wembley Way is beginning to blacken with people in terms of red and blue'
- ALAN JACKSON
'That now means that from the British point of view, Anderlecht lead 3-2'
- BRYON BUTLER
'It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked'
- BARRY DAVIES
'We go into the second half with United 1-0 up, so the game is perfectly
balanced' - PETER JONES
Is A Computer Male Or Female?
A teacher divided a class into two groups and them to decide
if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of
women and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.
The group of men concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your earnings on accessories for it.
The group of women, on the other hand, decided that computers
should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if
you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
Country & Western Song Titles
If I’d shot you when I wanted to, I’d be out
by now.
I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling.
I still miss you baby, but my aim's gettin' better.
I’ll marry you sometime but let’s honeymoon tonight.
I got tears in my ears from lying on my back while crying
over you.
Please bypass this heart.
You’re the reason our kids are ugly.
I liked it better before I knew you.
She's got the ring and I got the finger.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in bed.
I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having
you here.
Courtroom Questions
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed
in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
Crimewatch Update
A recent letter in a newspaper:
Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They
said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you
a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry
now, because I've shot them.'
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus
a helicopter and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them'.
To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available'.
Cynics Guide To Life
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at
work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses ... and sooner
or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave
me alone!
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If
a motorist cuts you up, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message
across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your
car windows are down.
Just remember... You’ve got to break some eggs to
make a real mess on the neighbour's car!
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable smell of pigs
in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you’ve got to use your elbows
a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on
your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't
want to get off, and when it isn't ... you can't wait to throw up.
Dam Beavers
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries
by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan,
followed by the humourous response.
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity.
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior
to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush
forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation
in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.
Sincerely
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed
to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their
dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would
like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project
any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or
their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this
type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are
not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there
really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers
are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation
- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers
alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want
the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact
the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam
case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.
Darwin Awards
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications
of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had
been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets
out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism
might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would
not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical
examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the
ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly
man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening
her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger
he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window,
striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder
charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they
thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention
to murder
her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that
is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and
the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death
of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over
the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him
to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by
a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually
murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Dear Son ...
Dear Son,
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your Pa read in the paper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able
to send you the address, cos the last family that lived here took the house
numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled
the chain, we haven't seen them since.
It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them
off and put them in the pocket for you.
Uncle Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We got really worried
cos it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.
The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500
men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had
a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy
so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Doctor's Examination Notes
Her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Dumb Laws
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes,
felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools
of a cat burglar. (Australia)
It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.
(Australia)
Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. (Victoria,
Australia)
It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.
(Victoria, Australia)
A driver who needs to turn through oncoming traffic has
the right of way unless he slows down or stops. (Belgium)
Driving on the roads is not allowed. (New Brunswick, Canada)
It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday. (Wawa,
Canada)
It is considered an offence to have more than two colours
of paint on your house. (Beaconsfield, Canada)
To go to college you must be intelligent. (China)
If a horse drawn carriage is trying to pass a car and the
horse becomes uneasy, the owner of the car is required to pull over and
if necessary, cover the car. (Denmark)
There is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person
has died. (Denmark)
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public
conveyance. (England)
Mince pies are not to be eaten on Christmas Day. (England)
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
(England)
It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except
as a clerk in a tropical fish store. (Liverpool, England)
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
(Germany)
Picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden. (Israel)
You may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may
neuter the males of the species. (Norway)
It is illegal to be drunk in possession of a cow. (Scotland)
If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of
your commode, you must let them enter. (Scotland).
Trespassing on someone else's land is legal. (Scotland)
You may not walk around your home nude, as it is considered
pornographic. (Singapore)
A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after
10pm. (Switzerland)
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10pm if you live
in an apartment. (Switzerland)
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing
underwear. (Thailand)
No one may step on any of the nation's currency. (Thailand)
Education
According to a news report, a certain school in Washington
DC was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom at school.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day the Girls would put them back. Several memos were pasted about
this, without effect.
Finally the Principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long handled
squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed the
mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are educators.
80 Easy Ways To Say NO!
I'd love to, but...
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The Prime Minister said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go into town to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Rainbow Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat
more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something
or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands"
and I can't put it down.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to ... .
You know how we psychos are.
My favourite advert is on TV.
I have to study for a blood/urine test.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone
is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I`m going train spotting.
Employee of the Year
From the Bristol Evening Post
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,"
said Jane Setherton, a spokesperson for the Marriott Hotel, Bristol, "but
I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment."
"We asked him to clean one lift, and he spent four
days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: "Well, there are
twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there."
Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift,
and he'd cleaned the same one twelve times."
"We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I
understand he is now working for Woolworths."
Employee Tips To Being A Proper Manager
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring
it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, it helps if you run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to ask how I am doing. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of paper, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the
door for me. Opening doors with my nose is fun.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late every evening. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversation. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing
me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right
to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for your could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any,
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story
about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus cheque you received for being
such a good manager.
Family Fortunes
The following are actual answers given by contestants on "Family Fortunes"
in the UK.
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name a number you have to memorise - 7
Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something you put on walls - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings
Name something you might be allergic to -Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Name something associated with the police - Pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name something slippery - A conman
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - Window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels
Name something that might make you scream - A squirrel
Name something that you keep in a shed - A gardener
Name something that would scare Dracula off - Bob Monkhouse
Name a Parisian landmark - Hawaii
Foreign Signs
It is quite apparent that people in other countries frequently
go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge in Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel in Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
in Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES. IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN OUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN.
TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Dry cleaner's in Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD
IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice in Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE
NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure in Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.
IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby in Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT
TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator in Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel in Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel in Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers in Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE
IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu in Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH
CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF
RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket in Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000
SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE
PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE
CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel in Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL
PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING
SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
PURPOSE.
Hotel in Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF
THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE
NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME
TO IT.
The French
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than
a French one behind me." (General George S. Patton)
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." (Norman Schwartzkopf)
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
(Marge Simpson)
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." (Jacques
Chirac, President of France)
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." (Regis Philbin)
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people!"
(Conan O'Brien)
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out
of France!" (Jay Leno)
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag." (David Letterman)
"The heaviest cross I had to bear was the Cross of Lorraine"
(Winston Churchill)
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him!
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France!
The Future of English ...
Allegedly these metaphors were taken from GCSE papers....
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.
The little boat drifted gently across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy fields towards each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6.36pm travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4.19pm
at a speed of 35mph.
The doctor was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
The thunder was an ominous sound, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene of a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long that it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced shut, as forced as the interview section of
Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
He was lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, but a real duck
that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
Butter from 'I can't believe it's not Butter'.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first
several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, the Leader
of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's
infidelity came as a right shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free
cash point.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
GCSE Exam Answers
English
Q. Define the word "monotony".
A. Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
A. Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of
the intestines.
History
Q. What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
A. Nelson's column.
Religious Education.
Q. Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
A. The fatted calf.
Geography
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. What is the equator?
A. A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Q. Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
A. Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced
by fitting
them with cattle converters.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the
moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where
the sun joins in.
Q. What is a fossil?
A. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get continental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into three parts - the branium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the bowels, A, E, I,
O and U.
Q. Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
A. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have
been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat
onto.
Q. What is the Fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. Where are the Tibia?
A. They live in a country in North Africa.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is the alimentary canal?
A. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of India.
Q. What is a coma?
A. A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a full stop.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two
moles and eight
cuspidors.
Sociology
Q. What guarantees might a building society insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What is a social node?
A. A friend you have known for a very long time.
First Aid
Q. What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised
in a road
accident?
A. Rape them in a tight blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
Q. What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
A. The kiss of death.
Q. What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
A. 1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
Q. How can you help someone who has fainted?
A. 1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
2. Put their head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
A. 1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
Q. How would you treat a head cold?
A. Use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
Q. What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
A. Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill
it.
Q. What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
A. If the blood is affirmative or negative.
Q. How should you remove dust from the eye?
A. Pull the eye down over the nose.
Q. What is an enema?
A. Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
Q. What is a morbid state?
A. A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
Q. What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
A. The rectum.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q. What is rhubarb?
A. A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Q. Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
A. 1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
Q. Describe a super-saturated solution.
A. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
Q. What is momentum?
A. What you give someone when they are going away.
Q. What is a vacuum.
A. A large empty space where the pope lives.
Q. What is a magnet?
A. Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
Girls Night Out ... 1
The other night I was invited out for a night with the
girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed nine times. I was really proud
of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution (even when totally
smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!
Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." I
asked him why, and he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, 'Oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."
Girls Night Out ... 2
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both
were very faithful and loving wives ... however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her pants and use them. Her friend however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of pants and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go
home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting
to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no pants! "That's nothing"
said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack
of her bum, that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you".
Gone But Not Forgotten
The living have the opportunity to engrave in stone some thought appropriate
to the character, or circumstances surrounding the death, of the deceased
individual. Some epitaphs are unique and very revealing. Many epitaphs are
unintentionally, and sometimes, intentionally, amusing.
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les.
No More.
Cripple Creek, Colorado:
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
In memory of Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
A lawyer in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
An American attorney:
Goembel
John E.
1867-1946
"The defense rests"
An Edinburgh dentist:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
An Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876
A waiter:
Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.
April 10, 1902
London, England:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
A spinster postmistress in North Carolina:
Returned, Unopened
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekiel Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
An atheist in Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies
an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go
Uniontown, PA:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Albany, New York:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was.
Wiltshire, England:
Blown upward
out of sight
He sought the leak
by candlelight
Greetings Cards You'll (Probably) Never See
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an
ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts
you've given me, like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it
again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ... almost
lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die
for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say
we call it quits."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot and think of
you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only
in Alabama.)
Half Thoughts
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
What's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Flatulence (def'n), the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
When everything is coming
