From Reuters.
Firefighters in British Columbia were damping down after
a forest fire when they discovered a body partly buried under fallen branches.
On uncovering the body they found a man dressed in wet suit and flippers.
The body was removed to Vancouver for post mortem examination which revealed
the man had died from massive multiple injuries. He was identified from
dental records and found to have been reported missing whilst on a diving
expedition in Horse Shoe Bay near Vancouver. Further investigation solved
the riddle. It would appear that one minute he was quietly enjoying his
swim, and the next he was in a bucket scoop suspended below a helicopter
then transported 20 miles inland before being dropped from 1500 feet onto
the forest fire.
From Ocean FM.
Divers working to repair oil rigs have to have their
diving suits heated to prevent them getting too cold. Water is sucked
from the sea, heated, then pumped into the diver's suit. The diver is
effectively working in a jacuzzi! One unfortunate diver was working on
the sea bed, when his bum start to itch. Not surprisingly, he scratched
it. Moments later he was in excruciating pain and had to be hauled to
the surface. Apparently a jelly fish had been sucked from the water and
deposited in his suit.
From the Internet.
An Iraqi terrorist (certifiable idiot), Khay Rahnajet,
didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return
to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it
and was killed in the resulting explosion.
And You Thought Your Job Was Bad ... 1
The crew of a US Air Force transport aircraft were preparing
for a routine departure from Thule, Greenland and were waiting for the truck
to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was
very late arriving, and the Airman Basic performing the job was extremely
slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his
lack of speed and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir,
I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule and I am
pumping crap out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish
me?"
And You Thought Your Job Was Bad ... 2
This article was taken from the Darwin Awards, the annual
awards for people who, through single-minded self-sacrifice, killed themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
PADERBORN,
GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated
elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated
the keeper under 200 pounds of poop. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich,
46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the
relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there
to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman
came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one
of those freak accidents that happen sometimes - a billion-to-one shot,
at least."
The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began
on April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound
African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty. "Friedrich
had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe
constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman
recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night
to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered
to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control."
Two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger
found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only
from the knees down. "I had never really thought about it before,"
Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be
a very dangerous activity and not something that should be attempted alone."
Outgoing Answering Machine Messages
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."
"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi! Kathy's answering machine is broken. This is
her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets."
"This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning
your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone
I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the
phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back.".
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right
to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
Baby Mop
After
the birth there's always the temptation to say "Yes, it's cute, but
what can it do?" Until recently the answer was simply 'lie there and
cry', but now babies can be put on the payroll, so to speak, as soon as
they're born.
Just
dress your young one in a Baby Mop and set him or her down on any hard wood
or tile floor that needs cleaning. You may at first need to get things started
by calling to the infant from across the room, but pretty soon they'll be
doing it all by themselves.
There's
no child exploitation involved. The kid is doing what it does best anyway,
crawling. But with a Baby Mop, your child is also learning about responsibility
and a healthy work ethic.
40 Reasons "Why It's Great Being Male"
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never gets near your body.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress = £2000; morning suit hire = £100.
If you retain water, it's in a bottle.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice
anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can
still be friends.
Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car journey from the passenger's
seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is
coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your mate for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring
a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit,
you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five
colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a penknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.
Beginner's Guide to Combat
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Friendly fire isn't.
The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody
else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your
artillery will fall short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The Quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly
fire.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you,
and they miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat
zone it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about
shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed
at different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
Always know when it's time to get out of your vehicle
Always know how to get out of your vehicle.
Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Always honour a threat.
The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the
time you have been carrying it.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection
ready unit has ever passed combat.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness what
mess hall food is to cuisine.
Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater
that the distance you can jump.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended
target. That round will be a dud.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is
full of amateurs.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
Minefields are not neutral.
If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.
Bob!
One day a project leader sent the following letter of recommendation
to his senior manager:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible. Project Leader
An urgent memo was soon sent following the letter:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when
I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7,9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards
Project Leader
Bosnian Vowel Movement
Before an emergency joint session of Congress, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn
region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history,
will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and
U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like
Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions
around the world," President Clinton said. "Today, the United
States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’ It is time the
people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.
The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Alphabet Soup"
by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port
cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130
transport planes, each carrying over 500 boxes of vowels will fly from Andrews
Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the
arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another
day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none
of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton,
please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just
a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter
to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua,
Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s
and T’s. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities
of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent,
gun-toting war-lords.
Brickin' it!
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed
in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation
Board. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award for
sure. This is apparently a true story.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation
and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
by using a pulley, which was. attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went
down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
of the bricks.
You will note in Section 11 of the accident report
form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep
into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating
pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel
of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now
devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck
began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough
to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as
I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again
lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto
me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Child Support Agency Forms
The following are all replies that British women have put
on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It
takes the prize.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same
night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were
at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex
was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father,
can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area,
and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that
he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by
you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as all
squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green
Jacket.
8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch
up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived
at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier
in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one
made you fart.
Church Bulletins … 1
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and Medication
to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church
and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of the Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in both the south
and north ends of the Church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Wednesday, the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs Johnson will
sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet
the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg upon the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the Church basement on Sunday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evenings in the Church
Hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Church Bulletins ... 2
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER AND FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The Best Comeback Line Ever
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is
a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are
you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible,
isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerousactivity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become
violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Commentators
'Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold for England versus San Marino with
Tennent's Pilsner, brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner
taste and England are one down.' - JONATHAN PEARCE
'Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you're 80-20 sure of winning it.' - IAN
DARKE
'Lee Sharpe has got dynamite in his shorts' - STUART HALL
'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal' - DAVID COLEMAN
'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.' - RADIO
5 LIVE
'Steve Agnew is over this free kick - what do you think of the situation
here, Steve Agnew?' - NEVILLE FOULGER
'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.'
- ALAN GREEN
'Nicky Butt, he's another aptly named player. He joins things, brings one
sentence to an end and starts another.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine
goals.' - TONY GUBBA
'...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his
foot with a piece of string.' - IAN DARKE
'If ever the Greeks needed a Trojan horse, it is now.' - GERALD SINSTADT
'It's as if there's a magnet on the outside of the posts and bar.'
- JOHN HELM
'He's passing the ball like Idi Amin.' - ALAN PARRY
'A peep, peep, peep, another peep, and that's it.' - BARRY DAVIES greets
a final whistle.
'What a debut for the young goalkeeper, as a striker.' - PETER DRURY
'What did you say to Souness after the end of the final whistle?' - TONY
GUBBA
'It was one of the best goals I've seen this millenium.' - TONY GUBBA
'Bruce, on his right foot, is still running...' - ALAN GREEN
'Cantona's expression speaking the whole French dictionary without saying
a word.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Some supporters have come down onto the pitch from over the edge of the
upper tier.' - NEVILLE FOULGER
'The long goal kick, and now, this could fall...' - GERALD 'not Issac Newton'
SINSTADT
'He went through a non-existant gap.' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'Peru score their third, and it's 3-1 to Scotland.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'The Dutch look like a huge jar of marmalade.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Liverpool will be without Kvarme tonight - he's illegible.' - JIMMY ARMFIELD
'The whole season is disappearing and blowing up in their faces.' - MALAYSIAN
TV
'One or two people are streaming away.' - RADIO 5 LIVE COMMENTATOR
'He [Cole] is good in the air as well as off the ground...' - METRO FM
COMMENTATOR
'...he's using his favourite left foot..' - ITV COMMENTATOR
'He's the proverbial brick door.' - COMMENTATOR
'...like a predator about to devour the target.' - ALAN PARRY
'And Rush, quick as a needle...' - RON JONES
'The Danes are probing for position - every one of them somewhere on the
pitch.' - COMMENTATOR
'Poor Graham Shaw. It was there for the asking and he didn't give the answer.'
- PETER JONES
'And Southampton have most assuredly lost their confidence in this second
half.' - MIKE MCGEE
'Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.' - PAT MARSDEN
'And the bald head of John Sillett leaps from the bench.' - STUART LINNELL
'Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.'
- TOM PERRIE
'Ian Baird is dashing around like a steam roller up front.' - MARTIN TYLER
'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'There are no opportune times for a penalty, and this is not one of those
times.' - JACK YOUNGBLOOD
'30 minutes to go, and it's still 1-0 apiece.' - COMMENTATOR
'This is the first time Denmark has ever reached the World Cup finals,
so this is the most significant moment in Danish history.' - JOHN HELM
'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2
players on.' - JOHN HELM
'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's
his trademark.' - JOHN HELM
'They're floating up on a sea of euphoria, and hoping to drag themselves
clear of the quicksand at the bottom.' - PETER JONES
'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - DEREK RAE
'Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this
cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs team.' - MIKE INGHAM
'The shot from Laws was precise but wide.' - ALAN PARRY
'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.' - ALAN GREEN
'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - IAN DARKE
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer.' - DAVID ACFIELD
'...and then there was Johan Cruyff, who at 35 has added a whole new meaning
to the word Anno Domini.' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of
that final I stand by that prediction.' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'Referee Norlinger is outstanding in the sense that he stands out.' - GEORGE
HAMILTON
'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.'
- MIKE INGHAM
'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- JOHN GREIG
'It's going to take a shoehorn to prise these two teams apart' - ALAN PARRY
'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of
zebras...' - PETER JONES
'...evoking memories, particularly of days gone by.' - MIKE INGHAM
'Bristol Rovers were 4-0 up at half time, with four goals in the first
half.' - TONY ADAMSON
'The Dutch fans look like a huge jar of marmalade' - BARRY DAVIES
'Leeds are enjoying more possession now that they have the ball.' - SIMON
BROTHERTON
'That youngster is playing well beyond his 19 years - that's because he's
21.' - DAVID BEGG
'Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.' - PETER
JONES
'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - DAVID COLEMAN
'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- BARRY DAVIES
'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.' -
JOHN HELM
'He had a very impressive first debut.' - GLR
'Ferguson hasn't scored since the opening day of the season - he's not
a natural striker.' (five minutes later) 'Ferguson! At last a goal from
him...natural instincts from a former Scottish striker.' - ROB PALMER
'...if that had crossed the line it would have been a goal.' - GARY BLOOM
'That's often the best place to beat a goalkeeper, isn't it, between the
legs?' - CLIVE TYLESDLEY
'Knight saved it with his back arm' - IAN BROWN
'...a tale of too many cooks in the defence.' - IAN BROWN
'The silence is getting louder.' - DAVE WOODS
'A full-blooded encounter for a number of reasons, many of them illegitimate.'
- JOHN CHAMPION
'These Scottish players are very ordinary. In fact they have no names.'-
HAMMED ADIO (ZIMBABWEAN TV)
'It's Denmark 3 Denmark 0...' - IAN BROWN
'He was in the right place at the right time, but he might have been elsewhere
on a different afternoon.' - TONY GUBBA
'The fans, and now most of the crowd, are interested in this event.' -
ANGUS LOUGHRAN
'It had to go in, but it didn't.' - PETER DRURY
'That's lifted the crowd up into the air.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.' - MIKE INGHAM
'Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts.'
- JIMMY MAGEE
'Cleland was the victim of his own downfall.' - ALAN PARRY
'Villa will probably play a lot worse than this and lose.' - ALAN PARRY
'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon
1, Manchester United 1.' - MIKE INGHAM
'That's referee Mike Reed's 50th booking of the season, which works out
at an average of six a game.' - ALAN PARRY
RON ATKINSON : 'Unfortunately it goes right down the goalkeeper's throat...'
JOHN HELM : '...where it hits him on the knees.'
'He had to get down low to save that one on the ground' - BARRY DAVIES
'Rangers are definitely on the back heel now' - ARCHIE MACPHERSON
'The crowd...a cacophony of colour' - PETER DRURY
'Daei's all alone here, with four Chelsea defenders for company.' - PETER
DRURY
'Victor Hernandez, like an orchestral conductor directing his troops...'
- JON CHAMPION
'That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass.' - MURDO MACLEOD
'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can
get an equaliser.' - ALAN GREEN
'To a man, every Czech fan is on his or her feet.' - GARY BLOOM
'In this sort of match, whoever scores the most goals wins' - PORTUGUESE
COMMENTATOR
'Benfica scored one in the first half, Boavista scored one in the second
half, Benfica wasn't able to score anything in the second half, that makes
1-1, so the score is correct.' - PORTUGUESE COMMENTATOR
'Paneira with his unmistakeble style...but no, it's not him' - PORTUGUESE
COMMENTATOR
'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value
for their nil.' - BARRY DAVIES
'Viv Anderson has p****d a fatness test.' - JOHN HELM
'The referee was only five or seven yards away from that incident.' - PETER
DRURY
'The substitutes are all on the bench, and that's where they'll start the
match.' - BARRY DAVIES
'It's deja vu all over again.' - GARY BLOOM
'If there's going to be another goal, it's surely going to be a fourth.'
- ROB PALMER
'When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.'
- GEORGE HAMILTON
'At the beginning it was a 90 minute game, at halftime it was a 45 minute
game and now it's even shorter.' - ABC COMMENTATOR
'Madrid are like a rabbit dazed in the headlights of a car, except this
rabbit has a suit of armour, in the shape of two precious away goals.' -
GEORGE HAMILTON
'He had no chance of beating Schmeichel from there, but it was always worth
a try.' - ALAN PARRY
'From that moment the pendulum went into reverse' - GERALD SINSTADT
'And latecomers to this game, mainly Rangers fans, are surprisingly coming
in late' - CHICK YOUNG
'Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy.' - JIMMY MAGEE
'Anelka was travelling so fast that he couldn't keep his own feet' - CLIVE
TYLDESLEY
'As the seconds tick down, Belgium are literally playing in time that doesn't
exist.' - GUY MOWBRAY
'A smoked salmon sandwich of a football match if ever there has been one.'
- PETER DRURY
'I'm sure coach Frank Rijkaard will want the Dutch to go on and score a
fourth now - although obviously they'll have to score the third one first.'
- ANGUS LOUGHRAN
'He's showed him the left leg, then the right. Where's the ball, the defender
asks? It's up his sleeve.' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'And Swansea have an uphill mountain to climb now.' - JOHN HARDY
'There's 30 minutes gone and we're in the first quarter of the game.' -
JON CHAMPION
'He's scored the winning goal three minutes after being sent off' - CANADIAN
COMMENTATOR
'Lampard, as usual, arrived in the nick of time, but it wasn't quite soon
enough.' - ALAN PARRY
'The tall team takes the low road into the lead' - MARTIN TYLER
'As he was running away, the left back brought him down like a rabbit in
full flight' - THIERRY ROLAND
'Without the ball, he is a different player' - PETER BRACKLEY
'Ziege hits it high for Heskey who isn't playing' - ALAN GREEN
'They've maintained their unbeaten record between the legs.' - BARRY DAVIES
'There's always one [FA Cup 3rd round upset] and the egg at the moment
is heading squarely for Charlton's door' - STEVE WILSON
'Here he comes...with his left foot' - RON JONES
'He's working hard, one moment he's on the left, the next moment he's on
the right. At the moment he's in the middle.' - RON JONES
'The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'The eiderdown of this 2-0 lead is a lot more comfortable than the blanket
of 1-0.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'What that situation really needed was little eyebrows.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'The midfield are like a chef, trying to prise open a stubborn oyster to
get at the fleshy meat inside.' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'Xavier, who looks just like Zeus, not that I have any idea what Zeus looks
like...' - ALAN GREEN
'Silvestre has had the whites of the goal in his eyes ever since...' -
IAN DARKE
'Alan Smith... very much a striker, by reputation... and by fact' - PETER
DRURY
'They (Bayern Munich) lost in the semi-finals of the Champions League to
Real Madrid last year, and the year before that were beaten in the final
by Manchester United, so their European pedigree is second to none.' - SIMON
BROTHERTON
'There's Ottmar Hitzfeld, the two year old Bayern Munich manager.' - MIKE
HILL
'There's no end to the stoppage of this drama' - ALAN PARRY
'David O'Leary's poker face betrays the emotions' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'The referee has sent the players to their eternal rest' - Italian commentator
George Hamilton: 'Roy Carsley has it.' Jim Beglin: 'Lee Carsley, George.'
George Hamilton: 'Ah yes, perhaps it's because his head reminds me of Ray
Wilkins.'
'We don't really know what Iran are capable of when the gun is put to their
head' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'Shay Given almost single-handedly won the match for Newcastle against
Everton, although obviously he didn't score the goals' - GEORGE HAMILTON
'It's 1-1. That of course means that it's all square at 1-1' - RON
JONES
'We are about as far away from the penalty box as the penalty box
is from us.' - TOM TYRRELL
'And the average age of Arsenal defence is over 100 years' - TVB PEARL,
HONG KONG COMMENTATOR
'One or two of their players aren't getting any younger' - CLIVE TYLDESLEY
'Saravakos centres for Saravakos...' - MANOLIS MAVROMATIS
'Corner from a good position.' - MANOLIS MAVROMATIS
'And to take the free kick it's Hasheminassab, the team's player' - JUHA
TAIVAINEN
'Newcastle are beating Man U like a rotten rooster...' - JUHA TAIVAINEN
'Repka heads the ball... but he can't, so he gets a leg in between.' -
OSKU LAUKKANEN
'Kanoute is brought down in the penalty area, and the crowd demand a free
kick - they even demand a penalty' - OSKU LAUKKANEN
'And Watford acknowledge the support of the crowd, indeed of the crowd
that supported them' - BARRY DAVIES
'Stockport usually play at Edgeley Park, but this time they've come to
Maine Road, because, um, this is an away game' - OSKU LAUKKANEN
'Chris Waddle is off the field at the moment, exactly the position he is
at his most menacing.' - GERALD SINSTADT
'It's Ipswich 0 Liverpool 2, and if that's the way the score stays then
you've got to fancy Liverpool to win.' - PETER JONES
'Tottenham ice their sublime cake with the ridiculous.' - PETER DRURY
'It's a tough month for Liverpool over the next five or six weeks.' - ALAN
GREEN
'Luckily Macclesfield have three or four supporters running back into the
box to defend' - JOHN MURRAY
'Wembley Way is beginning to blacken with people in terms of red and blue'
- ALAN JACKSON
'That now means that from the British point of view, Anderlecht lead 3-2'
- BRYON BUTLER
'It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked'
- BARRY DAVIES
'We go into the second half with United 1-0 up, so the game is perfectly
balanced' - PETER JONES
Is A Computer Male Or Female?
A teacher divided a class into two groups and them to decide
if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of
women and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.
The group of men concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your earnings on accessories for it.
The group of women, on the other hand, decided that computers
should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if
you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
Country & Western Song Titles
If I’d shot you when I wanted to, I’d be out
by now.
I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling.
I still miss you baby, but my aim's gettin' better.
I’ll marry you sometime but let’s honeymoon tonight.
I got tears in my ears from lying on my back while crying
over you.
Please bypass this heart.
You’re the reason our kids are ugly.
I liked it better before I knew you.
She's got the ring and I got the finger.
Get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in bed.
I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having
you here.
Courtroom Questions
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed
in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
Crimewatch Update
A recent letter in a newspaper:
Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They
said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you
a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry
now, because I've shot them.'
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus
a helicopter and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them'.
To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available'.
Cynics Guide To Life
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at
work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses ... and sooner
or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave
me alone!
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If
a motorist cuts you up, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message
across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your
car windows are down.
Just remember... You’ve got to break some eggs to
make a real mess on the neighbour's car!
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable smell of pigs
in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you’ve got to use your elbows
a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on
your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't
want to get off, and when it isn't ... you can't wait to throw up.
Dam Beavers
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries
by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan,
followed by the humourous response.
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity.
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior
to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity
is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of
the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush
forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been
completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation
in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have
any questions.
Sincerely
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
This is the actual response sent back:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed
to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088
Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their
dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would
like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project
any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness,
their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or
their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware
that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this
type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are
not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there
really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't
the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers
are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation
- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent
rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers
alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want
the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact
the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam
case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why
wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice
then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the
bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe
you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.
Darwin Awards
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications
of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus
had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had
been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets
out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism
might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would
not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical
examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the
ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly
man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening
her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger
he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window,
striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder
charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they
thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention
to murder
her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that
is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and
the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death
of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the
son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over
the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him
to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by
a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually
murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Dear Son ...
Dear Son,
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your Pa read in the paper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able
to send you the address, cos the last family that lived here took the house
numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled
the chain, we haven't seen them since.
It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them
off and put them in the pocket for you.
Uncle Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We got really worried
cos it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.
The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500
men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had
a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy
so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Doctor's Examination Notes
Her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Dumb Laws
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes,
felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools
of a cat burglar. (Australia)
It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.
(Australia)
Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. (Victoria,
Australia)
It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.
(Victoria, Australia)
A driver who needs to turn through oncoming traffic has
the right of way unless he slows down or stops. (Belgium)
Driving on the roads is not allowed. (New Brunswick, Canada)
It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday. (Wawa,
Canada)
It is considered an offence to have more than two colours
of paint on your house. (Beaconsfield, Canada)
To go to college you must be intelligent. (China)
If a horse drawn carriage is trying to pass a car and the
horse becomes uneasy, the owner of the car is required to pull over and
if necessary, cover the car. (Denmark)
There is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person
has died. (Denmark)
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public
conveyance. (England)
Mince pies are not to be eaten on Christmas Day. (England)
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
(England)
It is illegal for a woman to be topless in public except
as a clerk in a tropical fish store. (Liverpool, England)
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
(Germany)
Picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden. (Israel)
You may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may
neuter the males of the species. (Norway)
It is illegal to be drunk in possession of a cow. (Scotland)
If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of
your commode, you must let them enter. (Scotland).
Trespassing on someone else's land is legal. (Scotland)
You may not walk around your home nude, as it is considered
pornographic. (Singapore)
A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after
10pm. (Switzerland)
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10pm if you live
in an apartment. (Switzerland)
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing
underwear. (Thailand)
No one may step on any of the nation's currency. (Thailand)
Education
According to a news report, a certain school in Washington
DC was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom at school.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day the Girls would put them back. Several memos were pasted about
this, without effect.
Finally the Principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long handled
squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed the
mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers and then there are educators.
80 Easy Ways To Say NO!
I'd love to, but...
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The Prime Minister said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go into town to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Rainbow Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat
more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something
or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands"
and I can't put it down.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hare.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to ... .
You know how we psychos are.
My favourite advert is on TV.
I have to study for a blood/urine test.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone
is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I`m going train spotting.
Employee of the Year
From the Bristol Evening Post
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,"
said Jane Setherton, a spokesperson for the Marriott Hotel, Bristol, "but
I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment."
"We asked him to clean one lift, and he spent four
days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: "Well, there are
twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there."
Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift,
and he'd cleaned the same one twelve times."
"We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I
understand he is now working for Woolworths."
Employee Tips To Being A Proper Manager
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring
it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, it helps if you run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to ask how I am doing. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of paper, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the
door for me. Opening doors with my nose is fun.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late every evening. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversation. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing
me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right
to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for your could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any,
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story
about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus cheque you received for being
such a good manager.
Family Fortunes
The following are actual answers given by contestants on "Family Fortunes"
in the UK.
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
Name a number you have to memorise - 7
Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Name something you put on walls - Roofs
Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings
Name something you might be allergic to -Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Name something associated with the police - Pigs
Name a sign of the zodiac - April
Name something slippery - A conman
Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Name something with a hole in it - Window
Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
Name a domestic animal - Leopard
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
Name something you open other than a door - Your bowels
Name something that might make you scream - A squirrel
Name something that you keep in a shed - A gardener
Name something that would scare Dracula off - Bob Monkhouse
Name a Parisian landmark - Hawaii
Foreign Signs
It is quite apparent that people in other countries frequently
go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge in Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel in Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
in Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES. IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN OUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN.
TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Dry cleaner's in Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE
THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD
IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Hotel notice in Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE
NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF
DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice in Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
Hotel brochure in Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.
IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby in Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT
TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator in Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel in Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel in Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY
EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers in Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE
IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu in Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH
CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF
RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket in Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000
SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE
PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE
CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel in Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL
PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING
SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
PURPOSE.
Hotel in Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF
THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE
NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME
TO IT.
The French
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than
a French one behind me." (General George S. Patton)
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." (Norman Schwartzkopf)
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
(Marge Simpson)
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." (Jacques
Chirac, President of France)
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army
is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." (Regis Philbin)
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because
he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people!"
(Conan O'Brien)
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out
of France!" (Jay Leno)
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German flag." (David Letterman)
"The heaviest cross I had to bear was the Cross of Lorraine"
(Winston Churchill)
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the
bulb and all of Europe revolves around him!
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France!
The Future of English ...
Allegedly these metaphors were taken from GCSE papers....
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.
The little boat drifted gently across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy fields towards each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6.36pm travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4.19pm
at a speed of 35mph.
The doctor was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
The thunder was an ominous sound, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene of a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long that it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced shut, as forced as the interview section of
Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
He was lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, but a real duck
that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
Butter from 'I can't believe it's not Butter'.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever
seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first
several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, the Leader
of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's
infidelity came as a right shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free
cash point.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature
British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
GCSE Exam Answers
English
Q. Define the word "monotony".
A. Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
A. Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of
the intestines.
History
Q. What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
A. Nelson's column.
Religious Education.
Q. Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
A. The fatted calf.
Geography
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. What is the equator?
A. A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Q. Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
A. Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced
by fitting
them with cattle converters.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand,
dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the
moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where
the sun joins in.
Q. What is a fossil?
A. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get continental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into three parts - the branium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the bowels, A, E, I,
O and U.
Q. Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
A. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have
been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat
onto.
Q. What is the Fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. Where are the Tibia?
A. They live in a country in North Africa.
Q. What does "varicose" mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is the alimentary canal?
A. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of India.
Q. What is a coma?
A. A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a full stop.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two
moles and eight
cuspidors.
Sociology
Q. What guarantees might a building society insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What is a social node?
A. A friend you have known for a very long time.
First Aid
Q. What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised
in a road
accident?
A. Rape them in a tight blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
Q. What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
A. The kiss of death.
Q. What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
A. 1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
Q. How can you help someone who has fainted?
A. 1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
2. Put their head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
A. 1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
Q. How would you treat a head cold?
A. Use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
Q. What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
A. Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill
it.
Q. What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
A. If the blood is affirmative or negative.
Q. How should you remove dust from the eye?
A. Pull the eye down over the nose.
Q. What is an enema?
A. Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
Q. What is a morbid state?
A. A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
Q. What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
A. The rectum.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q. What is rhubarb?
A. A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Q. Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
A. 1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.
Chemistry
Q. Describe a super-saturated solution.
A. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Physics
Q. What is momentum?
A. What you give someone when they are going away.
Q. What is a vacuum.
A. A large empty space where the pope lives.
Q. What is a magnet?
A. Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
Girls Night Out ... 1
The other night I was invited out for a night with the
girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed nine times. I was really proud
of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution (even when totally
smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!
Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." I
asked him why, and he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, 'Oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
over the coffee table and farted."
Girls Night Out ... 2
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both
were very faithful and loving wives ... however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her pants and use them. Her friend however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of pants and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go
home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting
to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no pants! "That's nothing"
said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack
of her bum, that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you".
Gone But Not Forgotten
The living have the opportunity to engrave in stone some thought appropriate
to the character, or circumstances surrounding the death, of the deceased
individual. Some epitaphs are unique and very revealing. Many epitaphs are
unintentionally, and sometimes, intentionally, amusing.
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les.
No More.
Cripple Creek, Colorado:
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
In memory of Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
A lawyer in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
An American attorney:
Goembel
John E.
1867-1946
"The defense rests"
An Edinburgh dentist:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
An Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876
A waiter:
Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.
April 10, 1902
London, England:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
A spinster postmistress in North Carolina:
Returned, Unopened
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekiel Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
An atheist in Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies
an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go
Uniontown, PA:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Albany, New York:
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was.
Wiltshire, England:
Blown upward
out of sight
He sought the leak
by candlelight
Greetings Cards You'll (Probably) Never See
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an
ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone
to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's
your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts
you've given me, like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it
again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ... almost
lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die
for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say
we call it quits."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot and think of
you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special
for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (Available only
in Alabama.)
Half Thoughts
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
What's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Flatulence (def'n), the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
film.
Shin (def'n), a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty
crowded.
Lymph (def'n), to walk with a lisp.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Earthquake (def'n): A topographical error.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal
from many is research.
Coffee (def'n): break fluid.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I thought I had made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple
of payments.
Clones are people two.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic
route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Squalid (def'n): Pocahontas' hat.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
There are two reasons why people sit at the back of aircraft.
Either they have diarrhoea, or they want to meet other people who have.
(Henry Kissinger)
History Lesson
Genuine answers from GCSE History exams:
Egyptians were people too, even though they had false gods
and pyramids and they all lived in the dessert by the river Nigel. They
travelled by chariots and feet and were into bondage.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah Dessert is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
Stone Hedge was invented by fluids who wore big cloaks
nearly 3,000 years ago.
The Bible was invented by God who, on the 6th day, saw
the light and he was happy with it. God also invented man from a spare rib
and women from another one that was spare also.
The Bible is full interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brothers son ?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went
up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever
made it to Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.
Actually Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people "Romans" because they never stayed in one place for very
long.
Romans wore skirts, cloaks and scandals with mighty large
swords, they were a warrior race except the woman who were pasty.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee, Hee, Brutus" !
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magma Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offence.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot his load with
an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they
all shouted "Hurrah".
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Frances Drake circumcised
the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his Birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid
by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance, America was began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pina and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrim’s crossed the Ocean, and this was
called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith
was responsible for all this.
The Pilgrims faced many Indians called Big Foot or Moroccans
who had haircuts named after them.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through
the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer
had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity
by rubbing two cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the constitution of the United States of America was
adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the constitution, the people enjoyed the right to
keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest precedent.
Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin, which
he built with his own hands. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly
insane actor. This ruined Booths career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musicals and had a large
number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present day.
Bach was the most famous compost in the world and son was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened
and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn
for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
The 19th Century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormack invented the McCormack raper, which did the work of
a hundred man.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a naturist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madam Curie
discovered radio and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The motor car was invented by Henry Fonda, who disliked
horses. This industry started up the convenience belt to which hundreds
of cars would flow everyday and night except on Bank Holidays.
Hot or Cold?
The following is an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid term exam.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.
Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up
when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote
the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell
and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold
day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account the
fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with
her, then the second possibility cannot be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
How The Military Deal With Snakes
Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and
quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.
Armour
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact
on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake
using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets.
Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry
and drowns.
Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree
blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared
successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office
directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and
mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim.
Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects
snake.
Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of
snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee
on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting
anti-snake operations.
TA
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet
about it.
RAF
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars,
20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies
in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake
presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as
low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost
of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report
finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings
by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation
Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce
snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from
Special Forces and Gurkhas do not know what they are talking about.
High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley
Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive
pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding
clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300
married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian
Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract
out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government
Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics
of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years
late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a
COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
Adjutant General
Respects and values the snake's unique contribution,
irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without
reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.
How To Handle Stress
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them
you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Make a list of things you have already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him/her
off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw
underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them
the next day.
Drive to work in reverse.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it
gets back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting
room.
Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the checkout counter
and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
If Microsoft Made Cars ...
At a computer trade fair Bill Gates reportedly stated:
"If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles
to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a
press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice
a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you
would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would just accept this, restart the car and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which
case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless
you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would
have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would
only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights
would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning
light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size
butt.
The air bag system would say "are you sure?"
before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a
deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish
by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation
by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off
the engine."
If Real Life was Like the Movies
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.
At least one of every pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which
wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become
a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives
at least 20 minutes to escape.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside
her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there
is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
scuba diving.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian
accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
Every street in London has Big Ben at the end of it.
All aliens land in California.
When faced with monsters, all women scream and then faint.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster
or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade
or his forthcoming art exhibition.
When paying for a taxi no one looks at their wallet as
they take out a bill. They just grab one at random and hand it over. It's
always the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature
from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering
a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective
- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the
size of a sports stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning
or ending phone conversations.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building
you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into will know all the steps.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip
in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment.
In-Flight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make every effort to make
the 'in-flight safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be
50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane".
Pilot "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about
as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride".
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: " Whoa, big fella,
Whoa!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing
like that, sure as hell everything has shifted".
From a Southwest Airline employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXXX to YYYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every seatbelt and
if you don't how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your
mask before assisting theirs. If you are travelling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves your money more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In
the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants in the industry. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: " We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."
This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particular windy and bumpy day. During the final approach,
the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the flight attendant came on the PA and announced " Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate."
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain
in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Insurance Claims
Answers on insurance claim forms submitted to Norwich Union.
These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary
than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under
the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so I took my dog and smothered
it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions
and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A – Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed
a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge.
This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit
a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front
suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend
on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I
would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other
pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first
car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up
so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced
at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning
of its intention."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's
face"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on
my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my
vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I
struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car
and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I
was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
IT For Country Folk
Excerpts From Letters To Landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children
until it is cleared.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from
the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked pavement.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about
it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an
OAP and need it straight away.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be
done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
Love Is ...
"Love is that first feeling you feel before
all the bad stuff gets in the way." - Charlie, age 5
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even
when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca, age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy, age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other." - Karl, age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy, age 6
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't
yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." - Samantha,
age 7
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri, age
4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny, age
7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are
like that. They look gross when they kiss." - Emily, age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen." - Bobby, age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate." - Nikki, age 6
"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no" - Patty,
age 8
When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they
won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they
still love you, they love you even more." - Matthew, age 7
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes
both kinds of them." - Jenny, age 8
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." - Noelle, age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy, age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at
all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the
only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - Cindy, age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night." - Clare, age 5
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." -
Elaine, age 5
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he
is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris, age 8
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day." - Mary Ann, age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren, age 5
I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me
because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
- Bethany, age 4
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like
to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying." - Mike, age
8
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." - Karen, age 7
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think
it's gross." - Mark, age 8
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica, age
8
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross,
but he didn't. That's love." - Max, age 5
Love Tips ... As Explained By Kids
All questions are being answered by kids aged 5-10
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have
to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to
find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other
lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second
date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have
enough money to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want
to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might
be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kelly, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.
I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it
has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant
are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow
or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds
somebody else who has freckles too." (Andrew, age 6)
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world,
but football is pretty good too." (Greg, age 8)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mushy, like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't
wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so
they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, age 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your
life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning
how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo,
7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't
already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne,
8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me.
I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can
last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall
off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
"They are just practicing for when they might
have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
(John, age 9)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen
when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to
hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but
the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding
fourth grade hard enough."(Regina, 10)
"Love is foolish -- but I still might try it sometime."
(Floyd, age 9)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a cheque.
Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a
lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
"Sensitivity doesn't hurt." (Robbie, age
8)
SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH
YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy
stores." (Del, 6)
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your
lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." (Manuel,
age 8)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green trainers.
You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make
sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for
me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT
ARE IN LOVE??
"Just see if the man picks up the cheque. That's
how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9).
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and
their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts
that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how
their hearts are...on fire." (Christine, 9)
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so
if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or
they just broke up." (Sarah, age 9)
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
(Sandra, age 7)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE
YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love
him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are
glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
(Dick, age 7)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It
makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat
or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie
and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy
feelings get the best of you. (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, age 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." (Pam, age 7)
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber
all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.
But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger,
age 6)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going
to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess
up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget
that you never take out the rubbish." (Bobby, 9)
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your
mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie,
age 9)
TITLES OF THE LOVE SONGS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your
Nose? (Arnold, age 10)
You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.
(Larry, age 8)
I Love Hamburgers, I Like You! (Eddie, age 6)
I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother
Me When I'm with My Friends. (Bob, age 9)
Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget
You Are One! (Will, age 7)
Letters to the Ministry of Pensions
The following extracts are from genuine letters sent to
the Ministry of Pensions just after WW2:
I cannot get Sick Pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell
me why?
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about
it?
Mrs W. has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The
clergy have been visiting her.
I am glad to say that my husband, who was reported missing,
is now dead.
In reply to your letter; I have already cohabited with
your officer, so far without result.
Sirs, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children,
one of which is a mistake, as you will see.
Unless I get my husband's pay, I shall be forced to lead
an immortal life.
I am writing these lines for Mrs J., who cannot write herself.
She expects to be confined next week and cannot do without it.
Please send my money at once, as I have fallen in errors
with the landlord.
Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am
living with won't eat or do anything until he is certain.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a baby
boy weighing 10lbs. Is this satisfactory?
You have changed my boy into a little girl. Will it make
any difference?
I have no children, as my husband is a bus driver and works
all day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth
to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Love Hurts
These are entries
to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but
least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, cos I was pissed
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty
& so is your head
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space
I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Mutant Marsupials
The re-use of object-oriented computer code has caused
tactical headaches for Australia’s armed forces. As virtual reality
simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers
have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including
detailed landscapes, and in the case of the Northern Territory’s Operation
Phoenix – herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give
away a helicopter’s position).
The head of the Defence Science & Technology Organisation’s
Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to
model the local marsupials’ movements and reactions to helicopters.
Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally
used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same circumstances,
changed a mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures’
speed of movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting
American pilots, the hotshot Aussies ‘buzzed’ the virtual kangaroos
in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted,
and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively … then did a double
take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage
of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Apparently the programmers
had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding!
The Yanks left with a new found respect for Australian
wildlife. As to what wombats, wallabies and platypuses carry in their pouches,
that shall remain a secret in the interest of national security.
Naughty Boy
A woman is about to give birth and calls an ambulance
to her house. A paramedic arrives, and realising there is no time to get
her to the hospital, he prepares to deliver the baby.
The woman's young daughter is asked to help, and a short
time later she had a new brother.
The paramedic holds up the boy by his ankles and smacks
him on the bottom, whereupon the baby starts to scream.
The paramedic then asks the girl what she thinks of her
brother, to which she replies "He's a very naughty boy. He shouldn't
have crawled up there in the first place. Smack him again."
Newspaper Headlines … 1
BRITISH PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS (from WW2)
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY
ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES
MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING
DEAF COLLEGE OPENS DOORS TO HEARING
AIR HEAD FIRED
PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDER-SHERIFF
BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
SEX EDUCATION DELAYED, TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
Newspaper Headlines ... 2
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEFENDANTS SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT REFEREES GROWING UGLY
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG
CHINESE APEMAN DATED
MAN HELD OVER GIANT LOS ANGELES BRUSH FIRE
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW
10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATRE
CARIBBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS WHEN FLYOVER IS READY
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT 4 LARGE RINGS IN HOTEL BATHTUB
NEW CARS TO HIT 5 MILLION
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE
MRS RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED AT NEARBY SCHOOL
KIDS PYJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH
NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM
JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
ORGANISATION TO HELP SERVICE WIDOWS
DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
MRS CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND – SCIENTISTS
MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S FAMILY
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN
YEARS
DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION
Newspaper Headlines ... 3
MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST
LINGERIE SHIPMENT HIJACKED - THIEF GIVES POLICE THE SLIP
L.A. VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE
PATIENT AT DEATH'S DOOR - DOCTORS PULL HIM THROUGH
LATIN COURSE TO BE CANCELLED - NO INTEREST AMONG STUDENTS, ET AL.
NAPPY MARKET BOTTOMS OUT
CROUPIERS ON STRIKE - MANAGEMENT: "NO BIG DEAL"
STADIUM AIR CONDITIONING FAILS - FANS PROTEST
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED MORE BROAD-BASED
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S FAMILY
CANCER SOCIETY HONOURS MARLBORO MAN
20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR
Not a Full Shilling
You've probably heard the sayings "Couldn't organise
a p*** up in a brewery", "A sandwich short of a picnic" and
"The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead". Here are some more.
A couple of slates short of a roof
A couplet short of a sonnet
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock
All foam, no beer
All wax, and no wick
Answers the door when the phone rings
Batteries not included
Bubbles in her think tank
Cheats when filling out opinion polls
Chimney's clogged
Couldn't write dialogue for a porno film
Cranio-rectally inverted
Deep as her dimples
Defective hard drive
Dock doesn't quite reach the water
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much
Enough sawdust between his ears to bed an elephant
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching
He's so dense, light bends around him
His head whistles in a cross wind
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt
Knitting with only one needle
Left the shop without all her groceries
Levelled off without reaching altitude
Lift doesn't go all the way to the penthouse
Lift goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open
Missing a few buttons on his remote
Nice house, but not much furniture
No one at the throttle
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
Running on empty
Serving doughnuts on another planet
Sloppy as a soup sandwich
So boring, his dreams have Muzak
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price
Someone blew out his pilot light
The cheese slid off his cracker
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck
Wasn't strapped in during launch
Notices
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your
clothes when the light goes out.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the
door - the bell doesn't work)
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please
bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.
OUTSIDE A FARM: Horse manure - 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines
etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES:
The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being
opened. Open tomorrow.
OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO: Out to lunch. If not back by five, out
for dinner also.
SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD: Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking
for the next 100 yrs.
OUTSIDE A DISCO: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.
NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH: Due to increasing problems
with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in
the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.
ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life
may not be worth much but our petrol is.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know
it, there is a day care on the first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how
to get lessons.
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please
use floor below.
Only In America
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopier. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier,
and pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed to the police.
Open University Course Prospectus
Self Improvement
SI 100 - Creative Suffering
SI 101 - Overcoming Peace of Mind
SI 102 - Ego Gratification Through Violence
SI 103 - Dealing with Post-Realisation Depression
SI 104 - Overcoming Self-Doubt through Pretence and
Ostentation
SI 105 - Whine Your Way to Alienation
SI 106 - Feigning Knowledge; A Career Advancement Strategy
SI 107 - Guilt Without Sex
SI 108 - Children; An Unavoidable Distraction in Educational
Decision Making
SI 109 - Iran; The Core Curriculum in Action
SI 110 - Keeping Facts out of Your Management Strategy
SI 111 - Carrying a Piece of Paper While Walking Briskly
Business and Career
BC 100 - Third World Status; A Meaningful Career Goal
BC 101 - Packaging and Selling Your Child
BC 102 - The Underachiever’s Guide to Very Small
Business Opportunities
BC 103 - How to Profit from your Own Body
BC 104 - Supply Teaching in the Falklands
BC 105 - Tattooing your Colleagues as an Income Supplement
BC 106 - Credit Purchasing with your Kidney Donor Card
Crafts
C 100 - Bonsai Your Pet
C 101 - Self-Actualisation Through Macramé
C 102 - Origami for Self-Defence(Full Black Belt Instruction)
C 103 - Drawing Body Parts in Soft Pastel Shades (Summer
Term Only)
Home Economics
HE 100 - Cultivating Viruses in the Household Refrigerator
HE 101 - Sinus Drainage in the Modern Marriage
HE 102 - Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
HE 103 - 1001 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleaner
HE 104 - Khmer Rouge Cookery for Beginners
Fitness and Health
FH 100 - The Joys of Hypochondria
FH 101 - Skate Your Way to Regularity
FH 102 - Tap-Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
FH 103 - Snap Out of It/Pull Yourself Together
FH 104 - Eating with Plastic Spoons
Perfect Sense
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and the haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled,
drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's
sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: 'YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER'.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined
the course to steer to the airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot
how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that it had to be the Microsoft building
because, similar to their help desk, they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer".
Performance Evaluations
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
..... and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out
of morbid curiosity
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but
more of a definite 'won't be'.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, ... and the sooner he starts,
the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold
it all together.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He would argue with a signpost.
He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ...
he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm
to the egg.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; ..... he only
gargled.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Peter Kay
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten
years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
I was bullied at school and called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me, and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say always fight fire with fire, which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Right now I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Plane Speaking
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with
his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy,
turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport."
Chief Flight Attendant during briefing: "Folks, we
have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight."
A round of applause follows. "So on your way off the aircraft, be sure
to stop by the cockpit and wish Captain Jones a Happy Birthday!"
A flight piloted by one of the first female pilots in Australia
was going over to Christmas Island and included a fuel stop in Learmonth.
The male Captain suggested that the female First Officer carry out the landing.
She did. It was a bumpy airfield and her landing was not the best. As they
taxied over to the fuel park, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced,
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to know I had nothing to do
with that landing. It was entirely handled by ... the first female pilot
with this airline". She was furious, but what could she do? They continued
over to Christmas Island, where there is only one runway and it undulates
somewhat. Cliffs surround the island and when there is a crosswind, there
can be a nasty approach to deal with. This time the Captain handled the
landing and it was dreadful. As they taxied in, the First Officer picked
up the microphone and announced, "This is your First Officer speaking.
I would like you all to know that I had nothing to do with that landing.
It was entirely handled by you Captain". She looked round. He was furious
- red-faced, steam coming out of his ears. "What the hell did you do
that for?" he blurted. "Well you did it to me", she replied
smugly. "Yes, but I didn't press the microphone button ... !"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm ******* bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ******* bored, not ******* stupid!"
Prison & Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 work space
In prison you get 3 free meals a day.
At work you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks ... opens and closes all doors for you.
At work you must wear a security pass and unlock and open all doors yourself.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow visits by your family and friends.
At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can enjoy many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
At work we call them line managers.
Problem User ... 1
"I've narrowed down the fault to somewhere between
the computer and the chair"
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle
... it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the cupboard."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the shop you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?"
"Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer."
Problem User ... 2
Here are some more conversations which had actually happened
between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: "OK, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I can't log into my account."
Tech Support: "OK, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "OK... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. OK, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
a document, but the computer
won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "OK, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3½ inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "OK, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Rank Recognition
General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least
three working days
in advance.
Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and
water wings.
Talks to walls.
2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in mud puddles.
Stutters.
Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must
even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Sergeant-Major
Catches hypersonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot
depleted uranium long rod
penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
IS God..
Real World
Recipe
for Disaster - Morale Crumble
Ingredients:
Many
kilograms of strategy papers
Quite
a few kilograms of mission statements
Too
many reorganisations to count
Not
enough money
A
handful of flaky ideas
A
pinch of gossip
A small carrot
Cooking
instructions:
Preheat the
organisation to a little below boiling point.
Put the strategy
papers and mission statements into a bowl and mix incomprehensibly.
Stir in the
flaky ideas and season with gossip.
Use the resulting
mixture to rub staff up the wrong way.
Roll the
money out so thinly that all areas will barely be covered.
Force the
staff into the new organisation using a sharp stick (or using the small
carrot).
Leave to
disintegrate.
Room Service
The following was a phone call between a hotel guest (G) and room service
(RS) at a hotel in Asia. It was published in the Far East Economic Review:
RS: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
G: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen?
G: Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den - fry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like 'em? Scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem - crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: What?
RS: San toes. July san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes?
G: I feel really bad about this,but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...tea...mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: One minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache crease baychem, tossy
singlish mopping we bother and honey sigh, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
Satisfaction Guaranteed
A well-known aerospace company, lacking the wicked sense
of humour of its rogue employee, had this posting on its web site deleted
as soon as it was noticed.
Thanks for purchasing a military aircraft. Please take
a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card.
1. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[ ] F-14 Tomcat
[ ] F-15 Eagle
[ ] F-16 Fighting Falcon
[ ] F-117A Nighthawk
2. Where was this product purchased?
[ ] Gift/Aid package
[ ] Catalogue/Showroom
[ ] Independent arms broker
[ ] Mail order
[ ] Government surplus
3. Please indicate how you became aware of the product
you have just purchased?
[ ] Heard loud noise
[ ] Store display
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Friend/Ally
[ ] Political lobbying
[ ] Was attacked by one
4. Please indicate three factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this product:
[ ] Style/Appearance
[ ] Speed/Manoeuvrability
[ ] Price/Value
[ ] Comfort/Convenience
[ ] Kickback/Bribe
[ ] Weapons systems
[ ] Negative experience opposing in combat
5. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will
be used:
[ ] North America
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Aircraft carrier
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Europe
[ ] Middle East (not Iraq).
[ ] Africa
[ ] Asia/Far East
[ ] Misc. Third World
[ ] Iraq
6. Please indicate the products you currently own or intend
to purchase:
[ ] Colour TV
[ ] ICBM
[ ] Killer Satellite
[ ] Air-to-Air Missiles
[ ] Space Shuttle
[ ] Nuclear Weapon
7. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
[ ] Communist/Socialist
[ ]Terrorist
[ ] Crazed
[ ] Democratic
[ ] Dictatorship
[ ] Primitive/Tribal
8. How did you pay for your product?
[ ] Defecit spending
[ ] Cash
[ ] Suitcases of cocaine
[ ] Oil revenues
[ ] Credit card
[ ] Ransom money
9. Your occupation?
[ ] Homemaker
[ ] Revolutionary
[ ] Mercenary
[ ] Tyrant
[ ] Middle management
[ ] Eccentric billionaire
Thank you for your time. Your answers will be used in market studies that
will help the company serve you better - as well as allowing you to receive
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups and mysterious
consortia.
School Excuses
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original
spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot.
Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Susan home because she had to go Christmas shopping
because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
Johnny cannot come to school today. His pants have stuck
to his bottom from constantly s******g himself.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had
a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was
in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.
His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with
the doctor.
Joe cannot attend school today. He has diarrhoea and his
boots leak.
Signs that you have had too much of the 21st Century already
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.
You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbour yet this
year.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
When you go home after a long day at work you still answer
the phone in a business manner.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert
a 9 to get an outside line.
You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked
for three different companies.
Your companys’ welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
You have your CV on a disk in your pocket.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost
all of your best jokes.
Your line manager doesn’t have the ability to do your
job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely
to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
It’s dark when you drive to and from work, even in
the summer.
You know exactly how many days you’ve got left until
you retire.
You see a good looking, smart person and you know they
must be a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
You’re already late on the assignment you just received.
There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent
staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.
Holiday time is something you roll over to next year.
Every week another brown collection envelope comes around
because someone you didn’t EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
Your relatives and family describe your job as works with
computers.
The only reason you recognise your kids is because their
pictures are on your desk.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE....
You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to
your ‘friends you send jokes to’ e-mail group.
You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you
anymore, except to send you jokes, e-mails and text messages.
A Soapy Problem
The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting
the letters to the Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,.
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap
in my bathroom since I brought own bath-size Imperial Leather. Please remove
the 6 unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
3 in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you.
S Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower
soap dish as requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on the top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you change
your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy
Relief Maid
Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not
tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I
got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays
to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be in the hotel for
two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't
need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way
when shaving, brushing teeth etc … . Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this
morning that you called him this evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for the past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave
the hotel for business at 7.45am and don't get back before 5.30 or 6pm.
That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off
duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine
cabinet, with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just
5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing
this to me?
S. Berman.
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of
soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.
I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of
your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your
room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please
accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 bars of soap. I don't want little bars of
Camay. I want one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise
I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I
had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your
soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also bought 24
Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest
soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4
stacks of 4 and one stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - one stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4
and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the north east corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet,
slightly used.
On the north west corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks
of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure
the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather,
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Space Race
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US
National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball-point
pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable
research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about
1 million dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as
a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
The Sting
An Air Force officer and an Army officer were sitting next
to each other on an aircraft. The Army officer leans over to the Air Force
officer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Air Force officer just
wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.
The Army officer persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He
says, ‘I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer, you
pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer,
I’ll pay you £5.’ Again, the Air Force officer politely declines
and tries to sleep. The Army officer, now somewhat agitated, says, ‘OK,
if you don’t know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don’t know
the answer, I’ll pay you £50!’ Now, that got the Air Force officer’s
attention, so he agrees to the game.
The Army officer asks the first question. ‘What’s
the distance from the earth to the moon?’ The Air Force officer doesn’t
say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the Army officer
£5.
Now it is the Air Force officer’s turn. ‘What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?’ The Army officer
looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks
through all his references, asks the audience, phones a friend etc ...,
and after about half an hour, wakes up the Air Force officer and hands him
£50. The Air Force officer politely takes the £50, turns away and tries
to return to sleep. The Army officer, a little miffed, asks, ‘Well,
what’s the answer to the question?’ Without a word, the Air Force
officer reaches into his wallet, hands £5 to the Army officer, turns away
and returns to sleep.
Things To Do In A Lift
When there's only one other person in the lift, tap them
on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push
the wrong ones.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
Move your desk into the lift and whenever someone gets
in, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to
play.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's
OK. Don't panic, they open up again."
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
Open your briefcase or handbag, and while peering inside,
ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have new socks on."
Things You'd Like To Say At Work ... But Can't
Ahhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet
it’s hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
I’m really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word
you’re saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full
of s**t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give
a damn.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
And your crybaby whinging opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it
left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number
1.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted payslips.
This Kid Will Go Far
This is an actual job application form submitted by a 17 year old boy to
a MacDonalds in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and
funny:
NAME : Greg Bulmash.
SEX : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn't be
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a huge severance
package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION : Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY : Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK : Of course! That's why I'm applying.
PREFFERED HOURS : 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ? : Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ? : If I had one, would I be here
?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITION THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS ? :
Of what ?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? : I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs ?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ? : I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE ? : On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN 5 YEARS ? : Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that
now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE ? : Yes, Absolutely.
SIGN HERE : Aries.
Warning Labels
These are actual warning labels on products:
On Tesco's tirimisu dessert - Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding - Product will be
hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron - Do not iron clothes
on body.
On children's cough medicine - Do not drive car or operate
machinery.
On Nytol - Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a kitchen knife - Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor
use only.
On a food processor - Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts - Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts.
On a chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands.
On a hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of crisps - You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of soap - Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner - Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box - Fits one head.
The Way Kids Think ...
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea".
Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the
comments that were funny, and some that were sad. The children were all
aged between 5 and 8 years.
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy
age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie
age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make
the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid
in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend.
It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen
inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of
sailors (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7)
We Shall Not Be Moved
This is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between
a US Naval ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
on 10 Oct 95.
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: (Shouting) This is the aircraft carrier
USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the US Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support
vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. That’s
one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure
the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: We’re a lighthouse. Your call …
.
When The Boat Comes In
From the The Star [Johannesburg]
"The situation is absolutely under control",
Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane.
"Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know
where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted
that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship,
the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time,
we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink
and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a
bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the
part of this Government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort
of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn
up. The Right Honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and
he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
Who's The Father?
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when I was taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered
by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child
B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had
it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and by my
country. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was wearing a Royal Green Jacket.
[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing I remember for sure
is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address
given], mine might have remained unfertilized.
Why Parents Go Grey
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?".
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the
small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mummy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk
with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing
that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the
boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?"
the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a policeman would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No,
he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the
boss. "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What
is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering
voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering,
the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle "They're looking
for me".
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper ... .
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're
really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find
a good game on TV.
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk
him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this
is important.
Do you think that woman is attractive? = Tell me I’m
better looking than her.
You can tell it's going to be a bad day when …
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call the Samaritians and they put you on hold.
You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and they aren't there.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
out of the city.
You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then
remember you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as
you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the motorway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's
none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your
name is George.
You know you're getting old when ...
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
You wake up looking like your passport photo.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Happy hour is a nap.
You're on vacation and your energy runs out before your
money does.
You say something to your kids that your mother said to
you, and you always hated it.
All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of
your age.
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make
sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the
car park.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the
sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were
on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just
don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't
even remember being on top of it.
And Finally ...
For those who have asked to see it again, here is the Christmas
on the Web site from Xmas 2000.
